Dear Councillor
Thank you for your letter. Unfortunately we do not confer City Status on rivers – only on towns. May I enquire what happened to the last City Status you had (since 1211), I have been informed by my Lord Chancellor that you have “lost” it – the only case I can recall of someone losing a city in the whole of British history!
I am told that you have also turned our ancient Rochester Market into a car park, you have destroyed the historic wharves and piers along the river to build flats and have demolished an icon of our industrial heritage – the Aveling and Porter building to provide more car parking! Not satisfied with this, you are devastating The Paddock and Riverside Gardens to build a smaller bus station than currently exists, where travellers will be exposed to the elements and will be required to cross busy traffic lanes to wait for their bus. At this rate there will be very little remaining that one might call a city!
In view of the above matters I must reject your application for your river to be given City Status, it would be akin to renaming the City of London "Thames" or the City of Canterbury "Stour". You really must look after things more carefully in future or you may be accused of being "A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing" (Oscar Wilde's definition of a cynic). It appears that while the Dutch and Hitler could not destroy the Medway Towns there may now be a new enemy at the gate - "Regeneration"!
Yours in disbelief,
Elizabeth R
PS. I do hope the Castle and Cathedral are still in one piece!
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4 comments:
Beautifully put.
The whole situation is farcical.
Ps - are you going to tell her about the castle wall, or should I ;-)
Dear Peter and Julia - thank you for commenting.
I think this should be shared further on Facebook.
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